When My Present Was a Prisoner of My Past
This is a little glimpse of a not-very-far-away period of my life. A moment I nearly lost myself and everything I had. A moment of absolute sadness, even in the presence of uncountable joy. A time when all I see was lacks but there was so much surplus to be grateful for. The most terrible part of my existence with a little amount of gratefulness. A period I will never forget because it is registered in my memory to never be that person again.
I was once a “Memories Hunter”. This was a term I coined to explain the dark moment I found myself some time ago. A very terrible moment that nearly turned me to someone I didn’t recognize. Someone who would stop at nothing to criticize and overanalyze the past. I spent a very long time ruminating and dissecting the future. I can tell what the future holds while I sit in the living room all by myself looking at the bleak sad images I created in my head. The future didn’t seem livable and it was my fault.
Blaming and punishing myself for my past decisions and choices was the order of my days. These were my specialty, I was ready to undo the past, to make the necessary adjustment to the mistakes that brought me to this position in my head. I chose not to see anything good in certain past choices because I did not appreciate the consequences they brought. My mistakes were nothing but signs of incompetence and inadequacy on my part. I should be punished for these mistakes, my head and mind was the prison I created for this punishment.
I refused to let go of the ugly past events, they are constantly on my mind, I relive them over and over again. Memories that were created knowingly and unknowingly have left unbearable and disgusting feelings about me and my abilities. I have lost every traces of self-confidence I once possessed, after all, I cannot make any good and responsible decisions. I hated myself for a long time because something kept telling me that my bad choices and decisions from the past are responsible for my present situation. Alas, I believed this with every conviction I could cling to.
For a very long time, I experienced a replay of several rhetorical questions in my head, which related to the mistakes I thought I made in the past- How could I have been so low? How stupid could I have been? What was I thinking? Could I have done it better? Maybe if I had done it differently, I would felt better about it.
I was a mess. A shadow of my old self. Little offense sparks up my anger, I couldn’t have a nice little discussion without getting angry. I see and hear only criticism, I spent my days criticizing myself and my past decisions, therefore, I don’t have to listen to others judging my abilities. I will not take it! Perfectionism was my one true core value, I accepted and it was a known fact to me that my best was not enough but no other person should neither identify nor correct it.
I decided to make the best decisions that are void of mistakes henceforth. I will not have to suffer anymore about my mistakes. I will be the best version of myself if I could reach this utmost level of self-discovery. I didn’t realize there’s no such thing as a perfect life. Mistakes are not to be viewed as a weakness but lessons that point us in the right direction. No human can live a life free of error. The key to happiness for everyone is to learn from your past error and move forward to the next phase.
Originally published at https://www.busymind.org on June 14, 2020.
